Let the person know that he is wrong. How to explain to an adult son that he is wrong? Is this important to you

Every person has encountered a situation in life when it was necessary to defend his, the only true, point of view, his opinion. Most often, these are disagreements with loved ones or work moments when you have to prove something to employees. In both cases, an escalation of the conflict can cause unpleasant and unnecessary consequences, so it is important to learn how to use little tricks in communicating with people with whom it is important to preserve your reputation. How to prove you're right?

The first task that should be kept in mind in any dispute is to be polite and correctly treat the other point of view on an exciting topic. Maintaining your dignity while being shouted at is not an easy task. However, here you can use one of the techniques proposed by psychologists - speak more quietly and calmly. This will help cool down the ardor of the arguer; it will be easier for him to accept the constructive position that you offer him.

The second task facing a person who sincerely wants to learn how to defend his rightness is not to argue, investing his emotional resources in this, but to convince. Choose your arguments carefully; none of them should hurt the other person’s self-esteem. You should also not say directly that he is wrong. It is more effective, on the contrary, to use a wise move: at the beginning of a dispute, admit that we are all human and everyone has the right to make mistakes: “I admit that I may be wrong, let us sort it out.” In this case, the interlocutor will be focused on reducing emotional stress and constructive dialogue.

There is another trick that helps your interlocutor quickly accept your thought or point of view. This will happen if you agree with him on something. Let him speak first, while you listen to him carefully and choose those words of his that you can agree with within the framework of the dispute. Then, when it’s your turn, begin your speech by supporting your interlocutor in some of his sayings. Then it will be easier to continue the conversation. Don’t talk too much, talking to the point, presenting a clear argument and respecting your interlocutor are the keys to success. If you are ready to use one more trick, let the person believe that the idea you are positioning belongs to him.

In order to be said to have the “gift of persuasion,” you need to learn empathy. Look at the problem through the eyes of your interlocutor, think about why he is so insistent on his position, show sympathy, if appropriate. This will help you understand not only the motives that guide the other person, but also evaluate which of your arguments will be more effective in in this case. If you have a good gift of empathy, you can easily guess what arguments your opponent will give next; try to give counterarguments in your speech before the other person has said it. But if you understand that your opponent is choosing his position based on personal interests, do not state this directly - such a phrase can easily offend your interlocutor.

Calmness, self-confidence, and a clear awareness of your position on a controversial issue will help you quickly prove that you are right. If during the discussion you realized that your opinion was wrong, you should not be stubborn and continue the argument. By agreeing with your interlocutor, you declare a draw. However, being a strategist, you can retreat to already prepared positions. So, arguing is an intellectual activity, therefore, in order to be successful and easily prove your right position, you need to have self-control, certain knowledge on the topic of discussion and adhere to the basic principles of competent polemics.

Copyright © 2013 Byankin Alexey

Do not doubt

When a person tries to justify himself, deep down in his soul he understands that he is wrong, but he convinces himself and does everything to convince you. His task is to plant doubts in your mind. Therefore, first of all, you should not allow yourself to think about his arguments, otherwise, especially when the opponent knows how to speak correctly, it will be you who will be wrong. Therefore, during a conversation, do not let the person make excuses. You should simply express your thought, emphasizing that your opinion is correct, and he is doing what justifies himself, and then simply leave. Remember that such people never admit their mistakes right away, so you need to give him time to think about your words. But the conversation must be ended in such a way that he understands: you did not accept his excuses and are going to stand your ground to the last.

Public opinion

For such people, the opinion of friends and acquaintances, or rather, their agreement with his actions, is very important. So if you have mutual friends who agree with you and not with him, be sure to talk to him all together. When you are the only one expressing an opinion, he convinces himself that you are exaggerating or looking at the situation from the wrong angle. But when several more people talk about this and their opinions coincide with yours, the stubborn person will involuntarily have to think about his actions. The main thing is not to create a situation in which he will have to make excuses and defend himself. Remember that the conversation should flow in a direction in which people do not blame someone for all their sins, but simply try to point out his mistakes, because they love and want him to be better and happier. Remember that during such a conversation a person can behave in completely different ways: pretend to agree, accuse everyone of being bad friends, simply make excuses, as he did before. In any case, you should not “fall for” his negative attacks and start a quarrel. If this person is really close to you, you need to tolerate his behavior. Although, in the case when everything begins to go beyond the framework, you can tell him that people, of course, love him, but if he does not begin to behave like an adult, adequate person, then communication will have to be stopped altogether for now.

Fortunately, every person has authority. This can be used skillfully in such situations. The main thing is that you are absolutely sure that this person is authoritative for your loved one. Before you arrange a conversation with this person, talk to him yourself and explain to him what the problem is and what you want to achieve. The authority must know which points to put pressure on and what tactics to use. Never be afraid to turn to such a person for help, even if it is one of your elders: father, uncle. Many people worry that they might reveal some of a person’s secrets and he will be offended. In fact, if you see that his actions are causing trouble for others and himself, you simply have to do it. Yes, at first he may well be angry and offended by you. But over time, it will become clear to him that this was the most correct action on your part, and perhaps he will also thank you. Therefore, when contacting authority, do not hide anything, so that he can understand what the problem is and help. If you are present during such a conversation, it is best to say nothing and just listen. The fact is that when a person talks to someone whose opinion he listens to, any other expressions of thoughts from other people are perceived solely as undermining the person who is authoritative for him. So put the reins of power in the hands of someone your loved one looks up to and give them the opportunity to solve the problem together.

Resentment

If you have already tried all the methods and methods, and still nothing works on a person, then you can be offended by him. Of course, this option is the most extreme, but sometimes you have to resort to this method of influencing a person. True, he only acts if you are really dear to him and he doesn’t want to lose you. If the situation is this way, then you can put pressure on his feelings. Just don’t make a scandal, scream at him and cry. On the contrary, you need to speak very calmly and coldly. You must explain to him that he does not understand your words and does not want to listen to them at all. In turn, you find his behavior in some situations unpleasant and unacceptable. You are simply very disappointed in him and don’t know how to communicate with him further if he doesn’t want to correct anything. And since you do not have the right to tell him how to live and what decisions to make, but at the same time you yourself cannot come to terms with this course of events, then it is better for you not to communicate for a while, and perhaps forever. Of course, such behavior looks quite cruel and you can use such methods only if you see that the person is really making serious mistakes, from which he must be protected by any means, otherwise everyone will suffer. In this case, you must be completely confident in what you are saying so that your loved one does not suspect that this is a game. In such situations, the feeling of fear often plays a very important role. It forces you to rethink everything and look at the situation from the right side. A person simply begins to understand that his pride, which most often guides the desire not to admit mistakes, is not as important as close person, which he may now lose. In addition, by putting someone in such emotional conditions, you can achieve the greatest result, since under the influence of strong emotions, a person is much more aware of his mistakes. If otherwise he can only pretend that he admitted everything, and then continue to do the same, then, fearing the loss of a friend, he actually decides not to make such mistakes again. But it is still undesirable to resort to this method, since people should realize their mistakes on their own, and not accept them under the pressure of a feeling of fear. It’s just that with deliberate self-analysis, the chance that a person will not accept his mistakes in the future is significantly reduced. In fear, he is aware of his current problem, but in the future everything may happen again.

Of course we love our children, but that doesn't change the fact that sometimes they get on our nerves. They may be moody or come home with terrible grades in their diary. And sometimes parents just need to convey their thoughts to them, talk to them about what needs to be adjusted in their behavior. We are all human, and even adults are sometimes overwhelmed by emotions that turn into carelessly thrown phrases that can not only offend a child, but become the culprit of his complexes, ideas about his own inadequacy and dislike of his parents. Sometimes we ourselves do not realize the damage our words can cause.

As Dr. Meg Meeker, pediatrician, mother, and author of six parenting books, says, the language we use to communicate with our children is of the utmost importance: “I've heard a lot of phrases that parents say to their children with the best of intentions, but which they never say at all.” costs. I always try to approach things from a child's point of view. What does the child see, what does the child hear, what does the child gain from this?”

One of the most common phrases that parents say to their children, according to Meeker, is: "You're driving me crazy". Perhaps, in certain situations, each of us has uttered these words at least once in our lives. But when told to a child, they can have the most devastating consequences. Even if at some point your child stops listening to you, starts screaming and jumping loudly when you want to rest, cry in line at the store, or whines and refuses to get dressed when you urgently need to take him to the kindergarten, – try to tell him about your emotions in the correct form.

There is another phrase that seems softer to parents, but in essence is no different from the above: "I love you, but I don't like you right now". "It's a way of saying, 'You're driving me crazy,'" says Dr. Meeker. “The child understands it this way: you really don’t love me.”

Do not forget that it is from their parents that children learn what love and self-esteem are.

And if a child becomes entrenched in the idea that his mom and dad don’t value him or care about him, then this can have a long-term negative effect on him. It would seem like one phrase, but the harm is colossal.

The way a parent communicates with their child is critical to the child's development. If the example that mom and dad show their children is negative, then they will learn from it (for lack of anything else). "I think parents don't realize the impact their behavior has on their children," Dr. Meeker said. – Of course, children begin to imitate them. If a parent screams, then the child also becomes a habit. If a parent constantly criticizes a child, then the child begins to criticize first himself, and then everyone around him.” Although this may seem like an exaggeration to some, parents must remember that they are the ones who shape and guide their children. These children eventually grow up and become adults.

How can you tell your child about your feelings and emotions or ask him for something in a way that will benefit and not harm?

One of the most important pieces of advice from child psychologists is this: try to eliminate denials from advice or requests addressed to children.

They are sure that phrases beginning with the preposition “not” or the word “impossible” are very difficult for children to perceive. The whole point is that small child you have to do double processing of information. That is, when you say the phrase “you can’t do it,” the child internalizes it and waits for the continuation of the phrase about what you can do. But it shouldn't. Therefore, all prohibitions must be presented in a positive way. That is, instead of emphasizing what is unresolved, say something that you have nothing against.

Thus, the usual phrases (“don’t argue with me”, “you can’t shout so loudly here” and many others) should be modified so that the child understands you correctly and takes the information into account. What other popular parenting tips and requests need to be worded differently?

Do not scream

The child may not hear himself from the outside and may not know that he is speaking loudly. Sometimes it’s enough just to tell him about it. A correct analogue of this phrase could be: “Please speak a little quieter”. If you add a reason for your request (for example, “because mommy has a headache”), you will achieve a better effect.

Do not touch

As a rule, this phrase is said in order to protect one’s personal belongings from children’s attacks or in order to protect a child from negative impact dangerous item. If you thus forbid your child to rummage through your jewelry box, these words will remain incomprehensible to him: “Why is my mother allowed, but I myself am not allowed?” If this is an attempt to prevent the child from getting burned on a hot iron, then it will also not be very fruitful. Let's say this time the baby, frightened by the loud sound of your voice, removes his hand. But this will not prevent similar cases in the future, because for a child, an iron is one object, and it does not matter whether it is cold or hot.

How, then, do you tell children that certain objects should not be touched? Until a certain period, until the child can understand the cause-and-effect relationship, it is better to secure the house yourself: remove dangerous objects, close sockets. If you're annoyed that he's taking your makeup, just don't leave it where he can get it. After 4-5 years, it is worth explaining in detail to your child what exactly should not be done in order to avoid bad consequences. Some psychologists advise replace the word “impossible” with “dangerous”– in this situation it is more informative.

Do not run

This request will most likely confuse the child because he sees other children running around on the street and does not understand why he cannot behave in the same way at home. If you calmly explain to him why you don't want him to behave this way, he will listen to you. Phrase “please go home calmly” will convey the essence of your request much better.

Do not lie

The phrase “don’t lie” sounds threatening in itself, doesn’t it? Moreover, it is practically useless. If a child does not want to tell the truth to his parents, then he obviously has his own reasons, which should be paid attention to by wiser adults. If children know that they will certainly be punished for what they did, will they want to be honest? The child will not lie to you out of malice. If a daughter used a calculator to solve problems, it was not because she wanted to upset mom and dad. Instead of scolding her, practice math with her and explain the unclear topic.

When you need to find out the truth, you should be diplomatic and refrain from impulsive threats. For example, if you want to understand whether your son was involved in a school fight, then you do not need to ask him about it directly (understanding in advance that it is easier for him to answer “no”), and then immediately accuse him of lying. Some things are difficult for our children to say out loud; the task of adults is to help, maintaining trust, and not to hurt or offend. Try to start the conversation like this: “I wanted to ask you about this... You may not answer me right away, because I understand that the situation is not easy. Be that as it may, you know that I still love you and it is very important to me that we can trust each other.”

It is also worth remembering that children are always guided by their parents’ example. If older family members periodically catch each other in “little lies,” why should a child tell the truth and only the truth?

Don't get dirty

Until a certain age, a child does not see the difference between clean and dirty clothes. When doing a normal thing, playing in the sandbox, for example, he may be awkward and do everything sloppy because he is carried away by the process. If you explain everything to him calmly, then next time he will try very hard so as not to upset his mother, who is proud of him. Instead of scolding for uncleanliness, try to focus your child's attention on the positive side of the issue: “Being clean is beautiful. I really like it when I have you clean. So please be more careful next time."

Don't throw toys around

This ban is inherently meaningless. How many children have you seen who, while playing, did not create at least a little chaos around themselves? Or could you cook dinner for the family yourself and not get a single one dirty? cutlery, dishes or pots? Of course no. Therefore, first of all, you yourself should take a calmer attitude towards this collateral damage of children's games. Gradually, you can teach your child to be independent: turn the process of cleaning up toys into a game and invite him to join in.

Don't be stupid

A child may decide that he is stupid, without even knowing the true meaning of this word, but in adulthood, this can develop into a complex. After all, with these words you evaluate his mental activity. If you want to point out to your child more reasonable behavior in the current situation, do it using a different wording: “You’re very smart, let’s try to do it like this”.

Don't poke your nose into someone else's business

A child can be greatly offended by the fact that he is not taken into account. He will continue to interfere because he will undoubtedly be affected by the injustice of the situation. If you and your husband are having an important conversation, and your children are only distracting you from it, explain to them: “Your opinion is very important to dad and me, but now we are discussing boring work/uninteresting everyday issues. Maybe you can play Lego or watch a cartoon for now? As soon as we are free, we will play with you together.” It is very important to find something else for your child to do while you are busy with your own affairs. If your baby is at a very young age, then sometimes you have to adjust your plans to suit his needs - a prudent offer to arrange his own leisure time will not help here. If he is very tired, then it is better to put him to bed, and then discuss with his husband the utility bills for the past month.

Don't eat so much candy

The child does not understand that if you eat a lot of sweets, it will negatively affect your health. Sweets are delicious, and therefore it’s difficult to stop. Try to come to an agreement with him in another way: “If you eat all the marmalade at one time, then there will be nothing left for tomorrow. Let's divide it into two (or more) servings? . If he knows that the supply of sweets is not endless, he will want to prolong the pleasure.

Do not argue

It is useless to argue with an adult who does not understand you, just as it is useless to argue with a child. If you give an ultimatum: “We won’t go anywhere until you put on a hat - and don’t argue with me,” then you put the child in a position without the right to vote. And all people do not like this, regardless of their age. If a child feels that his opinion and desires are not listened to at all, then he not only becomes convinced that in this world everything is decided by strength and power, but also loses the opportunity to build a trusting relationship with you, as well as acquire the communication skills necessary for adult life . Invite him to look for solutions that will suit both him and you: “You don’t want to wear the blue hat because you don’t like it? How about a red Spider-Man hat? .

Or, for example, there are situations when the child really wants to take a longer walk, and you need to get home as soon as possible and prepare dinner. Instead of saying, “We're going home now, period,” describe the situation to your son or daughter in detail: “I understand how much you want to go out, and the weather is wonderful today. But I need to have time to prepare dinner before dad gets home from work. Can you imagine how upset our beloved dad will be if he comes home tired and doesn’t find anything to eat? Let’s help me prepare dinner today, and tomorrow we’ll come to this hill early in the morning?” .

Don `t cry

If your child is upset about something or experiences physical discomfort, give him the opportunity to tell you about it. Without knowing it, he wants to be pitied, and if he does not achieve his goal, he only multiplies his efforts. Pay attention to what is bothering him and offer to try to solve this problem together.

Don't put dirty hands in your mouth

Don't shout or, even worse, hit the child's hands. How can he know that putting dirt in his mouth is harmful? If you are concerned about your child’s health, then approach this issue in a playful way. For example, teach him poem about the dangers of dirty objects.

And never forget that we, parents, are the main role models for our children.

“Parents need to understand that their children are always looking at them,” Dr. Meeker concludes. – Children don't really know who they are or what their identity is, what they should believe or even what they should feel. Therefore, they are constantly looking for clues as to what the parent is thinking about them. Receiving such tips, they internalize them - this is how their personality is formed.”

As a child grows up, communicating with him becomes more and more difficult every year. This often manifests itself in the fact that the teenager is attacked by a kind of deafness, and parents get the impression that the “child” does not hear him.

Basics of communication: explaining to an adult son that he is wrong

Talk less, not more

A very simple, albeit paradoxical, method of attracting a teenager’s attention is to say less, not more. Firstly, the value of the word increases in accordance with the simple economic law of price, supply and demand. However, it is also important that children should be given more time to respond, they need to think about what they heard before saying anything. If you ask or ask your older child about something, give him at least five seconds, then the child will process and perceive more information, which, quite possibly, will allow him to give an adequate answer.

Parents must be attentive listeners

You yourself, if you want to receive a normal answer, must be an attentive listener. If you want your child to understand you, he must be an attentive listener, and who should he learn this from - only you. Here you yourself should be an example of what you want to see in your daughter or son. They should constantly see that you are carefully listening to your husband (wife), family, friends and, naturally, the child himself. Purely mathematically, you should listen to the boy twice as much as you speak.

Speak politely and quietly

You should speak politely and, this is important, quietly. If your voice clearly sounds condemnation, criticism, lectures, orders, screaming, hysteria or pleading, the teenager will quickly shut down, “go deaf”, he will stop paying attention to you. You just have to speak to him as politely as you would like to be spoken to. If you notice a desire to raise your voice, lower it and speak more quietly and softly. This technique often takes people by surprise, in which case the son or daughter will stop to listen. This technique is often used by teachers; they were taught this at the institute.

Draw his attention to you

Before you tell your descendant anything, pay his attention to yourself, make sure that your son or daughter is looking at you, calmly ask them about it. If you look into each other's eyes, you are at each other's disposal; on the one hand, you can formulate your question or request, and on the other hand, the teenager knows that when he says something, he will be heard. If you do this all the time to attract the attention of your adult son, this will teach him to listen to you.

It is often difficult for a person, and especially a teenager, to switch quickly, especially when he is busy doing what he loves. At the same time, he really may not hear you at this moment. Try giving a warning - set some kind of time limit, for example, “I will need your help in two minutes” or “I need to talk to you in a minute, take a break, please.” However, you shouldn’t give a pause for more than five minutes, because he will forget again.

Requests should be short and to the point

If you constantly speak softly, but briefly and precisely, then the matured son will become more receptive, because he will already be aware that he will not have to listen to a whole lecture. Requests should be brief and to the point, for example, “Before you go for a walk, please clean up the table,” “Now you need to learn physics,” etc. Often, maximum brevity, in the form of a single reminder word, is the most effective and just say: “Cleaning!”, or “Physics”.

When children enter adolescence, they want to emphasize that they are already adults. They don’t yet know how to do this, and sometimes it seems to them that this can be emphasized through disrespect and rudeness. Here it’s not even a matter of a simple lack of upbringing, it’s just that such a simple path as rudeness and uttering previously impermissible phrases is the very optimal way out. Here parents should not just yell and strangle with authority, but calmly correct the situation.

Talk to him as equals

If you talk to him as an equal, he himself will feel his own importance, then he won’t have to coo and suppress the teenager, and the need for insolence may disappear by itself. Indeed, why be insolent when he is already an important person. Try to consult with him more on various issues, then he himself can listen more carefully to your advice, even regarding disputes on a topic where he is wrong. He will then feel that his rudeness looks completely childish.

Don't be shy about telling him what to do right.

And don’t think that he already knows this, but is doing wrong out of spite. Only this should be done not in the form of a moral lesson, but in the process of a friendly conversation, but the best method is a personal example. No matter how much you teach children good manners, they will behave like their parents.

The relationship between a man and a woman is very a complex system. They may share the same interests, beloved football team or some writer. However, there will definitely be a topic about which everyone will have their own personal opinion. If your man stands his ground and doesn't accept your point of view, this becomes a problem. How can I explain to him that he is wrong without offending him? There are many options for the development of such a situation.

Is this important to you

If you are wondering how to explain to your husband that he is wrong, then first decide whether this issue is important to you. Maybe you should agree with your spouse and not spoil your nerves? If your family life, then you can make a scandal. And if you are starting a conflict only for the sake of self-affirmation, then it is better to pause here. Time will pass- and everything will fall into place.

Are you authoritative for your husband?

For your husband to listen to your opinion, you need to have high authority in his eyes. To raise this authority, you need to have a person nearby who will help you with this. For example, if his mother constantly talks about how much she appreciates you, then he will listen to you.

The main rule

During arguments, never insult your man. Everything will be resolved and forgotten the next day, but resentment can settle in the heart and remain there for a long time.

How to be savvy in the topic of disputes with your husband? You can ask your male friends how to explain to a person that he is wrong. Most likely, hearing a few opinions will help you create a template that will make it easier to talk to your man.

Talk to your mother and find out how she handled disputes with your father. Ask for advice on how to explain to him that he is wrong? You can also ask your mother-in-law about this issue, because she should know her son better. However, you need to do this only if you have a good relationship with her. Otherwise, it may turn out that his mother will also take the husband’s side.

How to behave during a dispute

So, after listening to all kinds of advice, you need to go on the offensive. However, if you are interested in the question of how to explain to him that he is wrong, this does not mean that you are right. Maybe you are the one who needs to listen to his words. If you are sure that you are right, remember that the offensive should take place quietly, without scandals or breaking dishes. Try to calmly explain to your husband that he is wrong. Give arguments to support your words. If the conversation doesn't work out and you feel like you're starting to boil, it's better to end the argument. You can count to 20, take a deep breath - sometimes this helps calm your nerves. If this method does not help you, there is another way out.

A letter instead of a scandal

If the dispute does not stop, and you do not know how to explain to him that he is wrong, write a letter. It can be either on a regular sheet of paper or in in electronic format. The main thing is that you must write it with a cool head. Give your reasons, provide arguments. When writing, try to use the pronoun “you” less. If you start a sentence with this word, the person will immediately have a defensive reaction, and he will stop hearing you. It is better to use the pronoun “I”. For example, “You constantly yell at me” or “I have a very hard time with yelling at me, please try not to do that again.” Agree, the meaning of these two sentences is the same, but the answer to them can be completely different.

Silence is not a sign of consent

Some women, in order to achieve results, declare a boycott. Many men cannot stand the silence of their beloved and agree with her. Others, on the contrary, are only glad that she is finally silent. Therefore, if you see that your silence does not lead to the desired result, you urgently need to change tactics. Sit down at the negotiating table. Give your husband the opportunity to speak out, listen to his opinion. Then you can express your point of view. Speak only to the point, do not move on to other topics.

Remember, if your husband nevertheless accepted your point of view and admitted that he was wrong, do not trumpet this to everyone you meet. It will be unpleasant for your husband to find out that you humiliate him and tell everyone that he does everything as you say. Next time he will not take your side and will bend his stick to the end.

Also try to pass off your idea as his. After all, it doesn’t matter who came up with a way out of a difficult situation, the main thing is that you were able to resolve the dispute and save a good relationship in family.

Every married couple faces controversial issues. The husband has his own point of view, and the wife has the opposite. A smart wife asks the question: how to explain to him that he is wrong? To preserve the family idyll, there is no need to shout and create scandals. Try to resolve everything peacefully. You can enlist the support of authority. For example, my husband's parents or his brother. However, this must be done carefully. After all, your husband may be angry that you wash dirty linen in public.

Any dispute must be resolved calmly. Then your husband will appreciate it, your relationship will become stronger, and there will be fewer controversial situations.